Tip rip off

It started well at La Plancha, where I had long yearned to dine under the awnings on a sultry summer night, amid the bustle of Place des Eaux-Vives.

The seemingly friendly and attentive waiter brought us some crusty bread in what looked like an upside down hat and an adorable sack of flaky fleur de sel. But then came the first sign of trouble. They didn't have the wine we wanted so the waiter suggested another. Naturally, it was three times the price. Nice try, scumbag!

When our starter platter of viande sechée arrived, our crafty server muttered something about the cheese coming soon. Cheese? What cheese? Oh, of course, the cheese on my cheeseburger, i.e. my main course, which came one minute later. One minute too late to realise what they had done and cancel the now unnecessary starter...

Grudgingly, I must concede that the burger was juicy and flavoursome, served with red onion, melted cheese, a rather measly rasher of bacon hidden behind the top half of the bun, and tasty frites. But Monsieur Gourmand's steak was disappointingly dull and not seignant by anyone's standards.

The wily waiter tried to hurry us along by repeatedly filling our already full glasses, which only made the wine warm up in the balmy evening air. In a final attempt to fleece us, he suggested we might like to add a tip. Even if they weren't already included in Swiss restaurant bills, which they are, it would have been an empty saucer for this guileful garçon.

La Plancha, 2 Place des Eaux-Vives, 1207 Geneva

+41 (0)22 735 2250; www.laplancha.ch

Buffalo brill

Many a rural English pub has turned Thai in recent years, forcing those with traditional tastes to traipse to the next county in search of some roast pheasant or Dover sole. I imagine the countryside Swiss are similarly peeved at their village auberges going all Italian, charging the earth for a veal escalope and shunning credit cards.

While this is a familiar tale in many of Geneva's surrounding villages, not so in Collex-Bossy where the Auberge serves up juicy bison steaks fresh from the local herd and pinot noir from just down the road. What's more, the service is efficient and smily (unless you order something other than bison, in which case you are darted a disbelieving glare and treated like a fool for the rest of your meal).

 

But there is little reason why anyone wouldn't want bison: the meat is lower in fat, calories and cholesterol than beef and is tasty and tender to boot. And the enormous bison head mounted on the wall implores sentimental meat eaters not to let the cuddly cattle die in vain.

 

I'm not normally a fan of mashed potato because I find it too heavy, but the version served here was so light and wispy that I guiltlessly ate the lot. Having started with only a green salad with a subtle honey dressing, I finished my meal feeling virtuous and thrilled to have discovered the delights of bison meat.

 

With its warm and welcoming atmosphere, I think Monsieur Gourmand and I will be back for some wintery feasts of lean bison, hearty red wine and oozy chocolate fondant. But that's months away. Suddenly something Italian takes my fancy...

Auberge de Collex-Bossy, 195 route de Collex, 1239 Collex-Bossy
+41 (0)22 774 1515; http://www.aubergecollex-bossy.com

Saucy Sicilian

Bounding along the lakeside path on his evening run, there was no mistaking the buff physique and leonine locks of Dario, eponymous owner of the eatery Monsieur Gourmand and I had visited the night before.

In a town where most restaurateurs could do with a stint at charm school, Dario's approach is rather refreshing. Yes, he will probably have run out of most things on the menu and you'll have to wait a while for his attention, but any disappointment is short-lived: in a jiffy he'll be calling you by name, plying you with wine and recommending another dish that somehow sounds so much better than what you wanted.

On our first visit, I arrived grumpy but left happy, having eaten a plate of deliciously creamy fresh burrata with rocket leaves and a dollop of honey, followed by swordfish piled high with tomatoes and olives. In truth, the sauce overpowered the natural flavour and texture of the fish, but it seems that heaviness is a feature of Sicilian cooking (they also do a hearty aubergine and parmesan bake and some truffle-laden pasta dishes).

The warm interior décor of burnt orange walls, tiled tables and wrought-iron chairs reflects Sicily's proximity to north Africa, but outside is the place to be, where Dario works the pavement tables, keeping the locals coming back for more of his Italian tastiness and infectious joie de vivre.

Dario's, rue de Montchoisy 4, Eaux-Vives
+41 (0)22 700 7507; www.darios.ch

No Wei

Alpine Eating is turning into Chinese Chomping with the recent emphasis on Asian food, but Jacky Wei (or Jakcy Wei, according to the awning) merits a mention just for being so bad. I guess I should have known better than to trust a place that spells its own name wrong.

Casting my eye over the menu, I fancied a fresh, healthy Singapore summer roll to start and some sizzling prawns, but Monsieur Gourmand persuaded me to have steamed dumplings and calamari instead.

He got more than he bargained for, having to polish off my meal when I couldn't stomach even one more gag-inducing, greasy bite.

The gelatinous texture of what was supposed to be pork in the dumpling made me quite queasy so I tried to look forward to my main course. It's hard to go wrong with calamari, isn't it?

Apparently not. Instead of the spicy sizzling squid I was expecting, I got deep fried slices on a skewer, padded out with peppers (a particularly unpleasant vegetable in my view, with a sour, nasal aftertaste that overpowers all other flavours).

A lot of restaurants are unexciting or substandard, but it's rare to be unable to finish the food for fear of vomiting. Paying for it just seems perverse.

Jacky Wei, rue Neuve du Molard 19, 1204 Geneva
+41 (0)22 310 2339

Dim sum search

Rarely does a Sunday night pass without Monsieur Gourmand craving some grilled pork dumplings and crispy shredded mystery meat (beef apparently, but I have my doubts). After London's dazzling array of Chinese restaurants - from local gems to internationally known hotspots - we were at first a little disappointed by Geneva's hideously expensive and decidedly ordinary offerings.

Since those early days, however, we have become accustomed to the lack of pak choi and the usual reliance on "5 épices" sauces and deep-fried "nems". But some are still better than others...


Unfairly ignored for months by Monsieur Gourmand and me because it was recommended by a rather smarmy acquaintance, Zhong Tong has become our most regularly visited Asian eatery (they also do Thai salads and Vietnamese hotpots). Not quite tucked away enough to escape the accordion players that offend our ears on hot summer nights, the rear terrace is charming nonetheless with a quirky picket fence entwined with plastic flowers.

Zhong Tong, Rue du Cendrier 10, Central; +41 (0)22 732 6868


If it wasn’t for the disappointingly small servings, Bamboo Garden would have many more regular visits from me and Monsieur Gourmand. As well as classic Chinese dishes, there is an emphasis on Korean cuisine, served in a warm atmosphere of bamboo-detailed décor.

Bamboo Garden, Passage Linck 4, Eaux-Vives
+41 (0)22 700 40 20; http://www.bamboo-garden.ch


Hung Wang benefits both from its picture postcard view and its steady flow of hotel guests from next door who are either too tired or lazy to look around. But they don’t rest on their laurels: the food is pleasingly MSG free and the décor is elegant and airy.

Hung Wang, Quai du Mont-Blanc 7, Mont Blanc; +41 (0)22 731 7330

Apart from a few flourishes of creativity - exotic birds carved out of carrots, a not unimpressive fish tank and a Mexican wrestling mask motif - Chez Kei is unremarkable. But that hasn't quelled its popularity with the old-fashioned well-to-do Genevois who have been feasting on duck and dumplings here for decades.

Chez Kei, Route de Malagnou 6, Malagnou; +41 (0)22 346 4789

The chunky Chinese man in the filthy-looking kitchen appears to be the owner of Lin Xiang, helped out by his severe-looking wife and greasy-haired daughters (a sure turn-off in any eating establishment). While I can't help focussing on the sticky surroundings, Monsieur Gourmand keeps coming back for the duck feast (pancakes with plum sauce followed by non-descript saucy duck with rice).

Lin Xiang, Rue du Prince 8, Rive; +41 (0)22 311 3330

Poncey apéro

It is a bit poncey, which normally isn't Monsieur Gourmand's or my cup of tea, but Chez Lucien's concept of "petite faim, bon vin" is just what Geneva's wine-loving after work crowd needs.

With an enviable outlook on the lake and the Jura (if you can crane your neck to see beyond the road and the boat-welding warehouse), the stools by the window are the best seats for settling in and enjoying an evening of wine and nibbles against an attractive backdrop of bare bricks and wall-mounted bottles.

We opted for a crisp Pinot Gris and munched on some grissini before perusing the "planchettes gourmandes" for something to share. We found the perfect partner for our wine in l'épicurien, an all-encompassing plate of verrines, including tapenade, goat's cheese mousse, salmon tartare and some suspiciously creamy pesto (because pesto isn't fattening enough already, Lucien).


Lighter options include smoked salmon assiette or Parma ham "drunk like a Venetian barber" (huh?) while rustic sandwiches and freshly chopped tartares fit the bill for a casual business lunch.


And for flashy folk with a sweet tooth, Chez Lucien has an extravagance not to be missed: a flute of champagne with a deadly dollop of tiramisù, panna cotta, or mousse.


Unsurprisingly, it's always full (of slick-haired, suit-wearing men and well-heeled ladies) so either book a table in advance or be ready to make the manager more amenable, perhaps with the flash of a fancy watch or the glint of a garish handbag.

 Chez Lucien, rue de la Scie 2, 1207 Geneva
+41 (0)22 311 4493; http://www.chezlucien.com

Ladies' bite

Geneva is surrounded by scenic beauty, well placed for European road trips and French-speaking, all of which (in my view) make it more attractive than Switzerland’s other significant city. That said, one night up north is all it takes to realise that Zurich is much more hip.

While Geneva is crawling with stuffy bankers and 6ft hookers, Zurich is populated by sexy sophisticates and relaxed arty types mingling among the cool cafés and vintage shops. Even the taxi drivers are more cosmopolitan, driving like maniacs and shouting obscenities at cyclists. 

My California-dwelling friend and I found a fresh and funky design hotel (http://www.greulich.ch), complete with renowned restaurant, rugs for when you get chilly outside, and a cigar room. Nevertheless, we fancied a flavour of the city, so took ourselves off to La Salle where we were thrilled to find high ceilings befitting a former factory and windows criss-crossed with chunky steel beams, all set within a cool complex in an up-and-coming part of town.

After hanging our coats on the self-service rack at the restaurant entrance (how nice not to faff around with cloakroom tokens) we were given a big table and presented with the menu in German, French and English.
 
We both started with octopus – which really should have been served as a simple carpaccio without the slimy savoury jelly – topped with tasty, tangy tomatoes. Despite the best efforts of the flirty front of house host to make us eat horse (I know it’s tasty but we both happen to like horses), my friend went for a delicious looking entrecôte of lamb while I ordered liver. The texture was perhaps a little too liver-like, bordering on the undercooked, but the deep red, umami-influenced sauce was delightful.

Our Mediterranean maître d’ then tried to foist upon us some fiendishly fattening fare for dessert, but we stayed strong and shared a deliciously smooth crema catalana.

We did, however, take his third piece of advice: we hotfooted it upstairs to the bar where we enjoyed an excellent evening of good conversation and Campari.

La Salle, Schiffbaustrasse 4, CH-8005 Zürich
+41 (0)44 258 7071; http://www.lasalle-restaurant.ch